Fear Gone Wild Read online

  Praise for Fear Gone Wild

  “Kayla is a good friend of mine. She has a message for us not about loss, but about being real. Filled with honesty and vulnerability, Kayla doesn’t just inform us about mental health, love, and loss; she invites us to actively participate in lives filled with greater purpose, authenticity, and awareness.”

  —BOB GOFF, AUTHOR OF NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLERS LOVE DOES AND EVERYBODY, ALWAYS

  “Fear Gone Wild pulls back the curtain that shrouds mental illness in the church. With tempered strength and well-chosen words, my friend Kayla gently moves aside the heavy fabric so that we might see the pain up close and learn alongside her. This book transforms the beautiful love story of Andrew and Kayla into a vehicle of hope and rescue for others. I cried as I read her words, yet found myself strangely encouraged that their loss could mean restoration for countless others.”

  —LISA BEVERE, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR

  “Fear Gone Wild is courageous and honest; a timely message for all of us today. Kayla’s story of navigating through Andrew’s death, and learning about the mental illness he walked through, is written with tenderness, bravery, and hope. Her heart and soul cover these pages with a passion to help us better understand mental illness and to have hope that God is with us every step of the way. We highly recommend getting a copy of this book!”

  —CHAD AND JULIA VEACH, LEAD PASTORS OF ZOE CHURCH, LOS ANGELES

  “I cried while reading Fear Gone Wild. I cried not only for the devastation and sorrow Kayla and her family have experienced, but also because I recognize so much of my family’s sorrow in hers. We’ve both lost someone we dearly loved to suicide and share the crushing shock, horror, and pain that accompany such a death. But we also share the same rock-solid hope that God is at work in the losses; walking with us, carrying us when needed, gently reminding that he will never abandon us in our grief and is in the process of restoring the ruins of our lives. Kayla’s beautiful way with words will comfort your aching heart.”

  —KAY WARREN, COFOUNDER OF SADDLEBACK CHURCH

  “Absolutely powerful! Wow! I was so deeply moved by Kayla’s words and story. Fear Gone Wild is filled with epic truth, wisdom, and practical insights that will forever change you and the way you see the struggle for mental health. This book is a precious gift to us all.”

  —MIKE FOSTER, AUTHOR AND EXECUTIVE COUNSELOR

  “When Kayla Stoecklein speaks we all lean in. Her gentle strength is a force and her honest faith speaks to the most tender, hidden parts of the soul. She has chosen, right in the middle of her own personal grief, to walk openly through her unimaginable pain so that others around the world can find hope in the middle of their own tragedies. Her story has challenged the church at large to take a closer, more compassionate and educated look at the impact of mental illness and the reality of spiritual warfare. Andrew’s legacy is one of a man of faith who lived to serve others. As you read Fear Gone Wild, Kayla reveals that there is hope, even through the deepest loss, because of the God we serve.”

  —DAWNCHERÉ WILKERSON, PASTOR OF VOUS CHURCH, MIAMI

  “As a longtime mental health professional and fierce advocate, this book hits home and strikes a vital chord. The pain and power poetically shared through her raw truth and courage are so needed in the world today. Thank you, Kayla, for honoring your loss and using your story, wisdom, and heart in such a poignant and compelling way.”

  —MILES ADCOX, OWNER AND CEO OF ONSITE TENNESSEE

  Fear Gone Wild

  © 2020 by Kayla Stoecklein

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Nelson Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

  Author is represented by The Fedd Agency, Inc., P. O. Box 341973, Austin, Texas 78734.

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  Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

  Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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  Scripture quotations marked THE MESSAGE are taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

  Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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  ISBN 978-1-4002-1768-7 (eBook)

  ISBN 978-1-4002-1767-0 (HC)

  Epub Edition August 2020 9781400217687

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2020939916

  Printed in the United States of America

  2021222324LSC10987654321

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  Please note that the endnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication

  To my Andrew,

  May your life always be defined by the way

  you lived, not the way you died.

  This is just a small part of your story.

  Love you forever,

  Your girl

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Foreword by Lysa TerKeurst

  Chapter 1: THE STORY BEFORE THE STORY

  Chapter 2: THE UNINVITED GUEST

  Chapter 3: HOW DID WE END UP HERE?

  Chapter 4: TO THE BACK OF THE CAVE

  Chapter 5: STRANGER THINGS

  Chapter 6: HOT MESS

  Chapter 7: GOODBYE TO EVERYTHING

  Chapter 8: ONE PLOT OR TWO

  Chapter 9
: NEW WINE

  Chapter 10: REBUILDING BEAUTIFUL

  Chapter 11: GOD’S GOT THIS

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  Appendix: Rest in the Wilderness

  Find Hope

  Notes

  About the Author

  Foreword

  by Lysa TerKeurst

  This is a message of both/and. It’s crucial we approach this message as both a love story full of life and a tragedy full of loss at the same time. When we leave room for both/and in another person’s story, we start to leave space in our own life for both sorrow and celebration to coexist.

  As Kayla brings her story, her heart, her tears, her brokenness, and her healing to these pages, I pray you and I bring something too. I pray we bring our willingness to enter this tender place with enough humility to admit we need this message and enough humanity to set aside all harsh opinions. The both/and of this story is that it’s one of both darkness and victory. It’s both wondrous and will leave you wondering why. It’s both comforting and tragic. It’s both full of answers and questions. It’s both full of brilliance and bottoming out. It’s both a breathtaking love story and a breath stealing gut punch.

  Andrew was both a captivating speaker, loving pastor, invested father, and smitten husband, and a man haunted by a darkness that wrestled him to the ground. We must let the enormous light and love of Andrew stay as authentic as it truly was, without rewriting his death by suicide or rescripting any piece of his beautiful legacy. We don’t deny any part of his mental illness; that’s part of this story for sure. But it’s only a part. We are all carriers of sorrow, struggle, and burdens that are hidden in the shadows, still chasing us from hard yesterdays. Through my conversations and processing with Kayla, I’ve learned a few things I need to know to be a better friend, a better mom, and a more equipped human in our world full of people fighting to win their own battles with mental illness. And I’ve learned to be kinder to myself.

  This book isn’t one you’ll be able to read and put on a shelf. It’s one that will move into your soul and stay there a long, long while. And oh, what a welcomed treasure these words will be. I knew from the first blog post of Kayla’s I read that she was destined to get this book out into the wild. No message like the one pouring out from her heart should stay caged.

  We are unfinished, but my beautiful, brave, bold friend Kayla will help us all know we are not unseen. This book was always meant to make its way to you and me. Now, bring your heart out from hiding. There’s nothing to fear. There’s nothing to shrink back from. Your tenderness and your toughness are both welcome here. I’m going to take your hand and place it in Kayla’s and let her take you on this journey. I am safe with her and so are you.

  Now, let’s turn this page and trust the wise words Andrew constantly proclaimed, “God’s got this.” Indeed, he does.

  —Lysa TerKeurst

  ONE

  The Story Before the Story

  It wasn’t always wild. No, my life was actually quite predictable—and good. Very good.

  I had it all. The man, the kids, the beautiful home, and even the mom car. My future was full of vibrant colors, grand adventures, and wonderful purpose—until it wasn’t. When fear crept into our home, it dimmed the lights and swiftly spread like wildfire. Our peaceful home, our predictable life, our hopeful future, all set ablaze by mental illness.

  I wish I could say our story is unique, but it isn’t. The reality is, all across the world, beautiful families like ours are engulfed by the flames of mental illness. In the US alone, one in five adults (47.6 million people) will experience mental illness in a given year.1

  The mind is complex, which makes treating mental illness complicated. I’ll never forget hearing these words from a seasoned psychiatrist: “We know but a drop in the ocean about the brain.” One single drop, in a vast open sea. There is still a long way to go and incredible work to be done to understand the human mind.

  I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t always sought to understand or empathize with those suffering from the debilitating effects of mental illness. In the past, I’ve been guilty of ignoring its existence—diminishing it as a whim or an exaggeration perpetuated by the person suffering. But now I know better. Now I see mental illness from a new perspective, and my once hardened heart is full of compassion and empathy.

  I had a front-row seat to the paralyzing and devastating impact that mental illness has on “ordinary people”—even the most faithful of Christians—and the excruciating damage it can leave in its wake. When my husband, Andrew, the man of my dreams and my heart, received his diagnosis, I was forced to reckon with the very present and powerful reality of mental illness in a new way.

  Before I share our intricate journey, though, I feel compelled to first share with you our story before the sad story. The love story that began our relationship. We lived a big life in our short time together and experienced trials and hardships most people don’t face in their early twenties. We were on the fast track from the day we met—a day I’ll never forget.

  Andrew lived on the second floor of a weathered house that was situated directly on the sand overlooking the beautiful blue Pacific Ocean in Newport Beach, California. The house was home to a group of young men affectionately known throughout our college campus (Vanguard University) as “the beach-house guys.” I knew all about the infamous guys because one of my best friends was dating one of them. During one visit to the beach house, she jokingly pulled out a picture of herself and her friends to show these curious guys. Andrew’s eyes scanned the photo, and he pointed at me. “Her,” he said.

  A few days later, with a stomach full of butterflies and my friend by my side (I was too afraid to go alone), I walked down the small alleyway and up the narrow staircase to meet a guy who had picked me out of a photo. As we opened the door and walked inside, my heart and mind raced.

  I wasn’t the girl guys typically picked out of pictures. I was clumsy and awkward, shy and insecure. In high school I made my own clothes from articles picked up at the local thrift store, wore men’s neckties in my hair because I thought it looked “cool,” and hid behind thick bangs that swooped over the side of my face, covering my left eye completely. To top it all off, I proudly told anyone who asked about my future, “I never want to get married, and I never want to have kids.” I was the last person anyone thought would be wearing a “ring by spring,” but that was before I met Andrew.

  When I walked through the door, my eyes met his, and my heart leaped. He was tall, thin, and handsome—a well-dressed guy, wearing an oversized flannel shirt, dark skinny jeans, and sandals. I swooned over his deep blue eyes, neatly combed brown hair, and quiet confidence. He wasn’t the loudest one in the room, but his presence was magnetic.

  We spent the evening with a couple of friends, riding fixed-gear bikes to the pier. I knew right away Andrew was athletic. He hopped on the bike and took off like a pro. And me, well, the bike I was borrowing was too tall, so my feet couldn’t reach the ground. Once I finally got the bike to move, I wasn’t quite sure how to stop because, as I quickly realized, fixed-gear bikes don’t have brakes. As we made our way in the dark to the pier, I weaved all over the road, ran into a fire hydrant, and even grazed a parked car. By the time we made it back to the beach house, I was convinced there was no way this guy was going to fall for me, the clumsy, shy girl with bangs who could hardly ride a bike.

  I’m so glad I was wrong.

  A few days later he sent me a message on Facebook asking for my phone number, and the following week, he picked me up for our first date—no bikes, no friends, just the two of us. It was November 4, 2008, the day Barack Obama won the election to become president of the United States, which we found out from our waitress midway through dinner. We sat at a small wooden table in a dimly lit coffeehouse. I sipped on a chai tea latte while he worked his way through a salad, and we slowly began to unravel the mystery of each other.

  I learned he was the oldest of th
ree. He had a brother and a sister, and his parents pastored Inland Hills Church, a local church they’d founded about forty minutes from our college campus in a city called Chino. He’d gone to college hoping to step away from ministry and into a career in communications, but midway through his sophomore year, he realized he was made for ministry. Now a junior, he had just been offered a position as the junior-high director at Inland Hills Church. As a girl who loved God and grew up highly involved in church, I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Andrew loved God, he was undeniably attractive, he came from a solid family, and he was driven to succeed. My story was much different.

  I came from a broken home and was still recovering from my parent’s abrupt divorce a few years prior. He listened as I shared how lost I felt in my family, in my pain, and in my life. I didn’t know who I was, and I hadn’t yet figured out who I wanted to become. I had already switched my college major three times and still felt unsure about where I’d land. But none of that seemed to faze him. His big blue eyes pierced through my complicated mess and saw my potential. He was full of grace and empathy, and by the end of the night, he asked me out again. For our third date we went to a Coldplay concert, and afterward we kissed in the rain. Ours was a fast fall into love.

  There were a million reasons why I was attracted to Andrew, but one of the biggest was he knew where he was going. Andrew was good at anything he tried. I knew no matter what he did in life, he would be successful. After growing up in a home of uncertainty, I sought Andrew as my safe place. I believed life with him would be beautiful and certain. I knew together we could build a life I’d be proud to call ours. I was no longer the shy, awkward girl who didn’t want to get married; instead I found myself, less than a year after we met, hand in hand with the man of my dreams, shopping for a wedding ring.